Some of you may have noticed that I wasn’t around last week. I had no new blog posts and I was mostly absent from social media. I’d like to say that I was fabulously busy with many glamorous things to do, but that would be a lie. The truth is that my anxiety was feeling debilitating and it took all my energy just to get up and go to work. By the time I got home, I attempted to do my homework (poorly) and then I just sat there waiting to fall asleep and try again the next day.
Anxiety comes in many forms. While I have generalized anxiety that can pop up at any time, I’m also a hypochondriac. People joke a lot about hypochondriacs, and I know it seems so irrational to people who don’t suffer from it, but it’s actually pretty overwhelming. I’m hypersensitive to bodily sensations, so a small pain in my side or abdomen or leg (something so insignificant that a “normal” person would be able to just ignore it completely) feels like a catastrophe waiting to happen. I fixate on it until my muscles clench and then the pain is exacerbated. Over the past three weeks, I’ve been absolutely convinced I had a hernia, ovarian cancer, a blood clot, an ulcer, and carpal tunnel. Right now, I’m pain free and not worrying about a specific health concern, but there is still this looming feeling of dread because I know how my mind is so conditioned to overreact and it’s only a matter of time (maybe even just minutes) before I start panicking again.
On the outside, I’ve been as glittery as ever (I even had the opportunity to dress up as a unicorn for a special children’s Halloween event at the library this week!) While there are many perceptive people in my life who could tell that I’m experiencing anxiety, most people I encounter don’t realize that anything is wrong. I think that makeup is a fantastic form of self-expression, but this week, it’s just been my mask. I’ve been trying to project a put-together image to distract from what’s going on inside. It’s fooled a lot of people, but I haven’t tricked my mind into feeling okay just yet.
I know I don’t normally get very personal on this blog, but I felt compelled to be honest about this because I don’t know who is reading this and what you’re going through. Anxiety is a very common thing, but it feels incredibly isolating to those who are going through it. It makes you feel like you’re too abnormal to relate to other people. It keeps you from trying fantastic things. It feels completely insurmountable most of the time, especially when you don’t have a support system. So, I just wanted to say to anyone who is going through something similar that you are not alone. I’m anxious too, and I’m wishing you all the best. You are not damaged beyond repair, and neither am I. Feel free to reach out to me if you’re feeling alone and need someone to talk to. My contact information is right here.
Since it’s taking much longer for me to accomplish everyday tasks, and I still have to work and do schoolwork, I probably won’t be able to continue blogging 5 times a week for a while. So, for now, I’m going to try to blog on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Thank you for your continued patience and understanding.
Thanks for reading!